Often, Fraser just plain worried about Ray. His partner always seemed to find himself smack dab in the thick of danger, always in the line of fire. As a mountie- an officer of the law in his own right- Fraser knew danger and had courted it. He had looked death in the eyes on more then one occasion. He had smelled its fetid stench often- too often- from the frozen plains of the Yukon unto the back streets of Chicago; but he was appalled at how often the stench seemed to cling to Ray. The dark spectre seemed to have a certain affinity for his partner, probably because he had seen so much violence and death. It was that perilous dance with the reaper that had turned Kowalski into the cynical, sarcastic, flint-hard cop he was. Well, at least that's what he showed to the outside world. As soon as he'd met Ray, Fraser had started to chip and scratch away at that heavy cold armour until parts of it had given way to reveal a warm, sensitive, passionate man.
Convincing Ray to trust and accept him had been a bit harder than he had expected. His partner had been hurt so many times in the past -his divorce topping it off-, he had become unwilling to depend on or even trust, anyone. Fraser had put in a lot of time and effort to prove his steadfastness to his partner and Ray had finally opened up to him. He had suspected that gentle, caring side to Ray, but its discovery touched him.

But still Fraser worried. Kowalski could be so impulsive, so careless always rushing headfirst into a sticky situation. Just like today. Fraser still shivered at what had happened only a few hours ago. It all began when Ray had been tipped-off about some crack dealer he had been after for some time and -of course- he jumped on the occasion to score a point. In spite of Benton's protests, Ray had decided not to wait for back-up but rushed in and kicked open the door. Only to find himself staring in the barrel of a sawn-off shotgun. To Fraser, it seemed like time slowed down to an interminable second. Fleetingly, he noticed the dealer squeezing the trigger and -without thinking- threw himself at the perpetrator. A full body-tackle combined with 'slamming away of rifle from deadly aim'. The shot had thundered through the small flat. Benton had disentangled himself from the perp and scampered back a bit, an icy knot of dread tight under his heart, choking the breath out of him. Relief rushed through him like a cascade of cold water when he saw Ray was okay, already cuffing the trigger-happy jerk. He'd watched his partner mirandise the man and took a few deep shuddering breaths to steady his shaking hands. He felt as if he'd just climbed Mount Everest naked and without oxygen.
Later, he realised Ray had not reacted one bit to the incident. The man had almost been killed but he didn't even seem to care. It was as if the whole thing was like water off his back. Fraser tried not to over process the event, tried hard not to think about the fact he had almost -by a hair- lost Ray.
He wished he could just grab his partner and hold him tight, but that was impossible. He wanted, needed to feel Ray's slim, warm body pressed against his. He dreamt of that, had been for months now. It was really quite simple, he loved Ray. Period. This wasn't the first time though, Ray pulled a stunt like that. Every time, he felt like hitting his partner over the head out of sheer frustration. If he didn't know any better, he'd say Ray was suicidal, but he actually did know better. Kowalski was mentally pretty stable -not that he had a right to judge considering his frequent conversations with his long-deceased father - a bit unhinged maybe but definitely not a 'lethal weapon' case.
Ray was just...hard-headed and foolishly rash most of the time. It was something he rather liked in his partner, but that kind of impulsive recklessness would get Ray killed one day. And he'd be damned if he let that happen before he got a chance to tell Ray...to tell Ray what?

It was early in the afternoon and, at the consulate, Fraser was filling out an 8794/B.5 supply form when the phone rang. He absent-mindedly picked up the receiver, while stamping the yellow slip at the same time.
"Canadian Consulate, Constable Fraser speaking, how may I assist you?"
"Constable, Welsh here...did Ray call you?"
Fraser slid the form in its appropriate folder and frowned.
"Ray, no...should he?"
There was a momentary pause at the other side of the line and then Welsh sighed deeply.
"Yeah, I figured he wouldn't. Stubborn shit must've driven home by himself."
Fraser frowned again, this conversation was veering into the bizarre.
"It's a bit early, lieutenant, but if he went home he probably drove there on his own. Should that be a problem?"
"I don't know if that's a problem really 'cause I had to leave before the doctors checked him out of the hospital but they put some painkillers in him and..."
Hospital. That sole word seemed to freeze the blood in his veins and suddenly a great, dark, scary thing replaced his stomach, wrapping tendrils of terror around his heart.
"Hospital?"
He was surprised -but not really- at the fear darkening his voice. Welsh was silent for a moment before offering an explanation.
"Yeah...ehm...he got shot today."
If he hadn't already been sitting down, Fraser was sure he would've crumbled to the ground. All feeling had deserted his body and his hands shook so bad he could hardly hold on to the phone.
"Shot?"
The lieutenant must have sensed his terror right through the wires because he hurried to reassure Fraser.
"Oh nothing bad. A bullet just grazed him, scraped his ribs, that's all. I think they said he could come back to work in a day or so. I just wasn't sure he should be driving with all the drugs they pumped into him....Constable, are you still there?"
Fraser difficultly pushed away every nightmare image and turned his attention back to the other man.
"Yes, I'm still here, lieutenant, I'll go check on him right now."
"I'm sure he's okay, constable. It was really a dumb thing to happen, an impulsive thing. Nevertheless, you should know he saved several lives jumping in front of that gun."
'Jumping in front of a gun', how typical. Then it dawned on him.
"Wasn't he wearing his bullet-proof vest?"
"No, he left it in the car."
"What!"
Welsh seemed taken aback by Fraser's sudden sharp exclamation.
"It was a spur of the moment thing, constable. Of course, I don't condone that kind of thing and you can rest assured he's gonna hear about it, but that's not why I called you.'"
Fraser compressed his mouth in worry and anger.
"I know, I'll go check on him at once, sir. Thank you for calling.
He lay down the receiver carefully, restraining himself from smashing it in its cradle. He took a moment to splay his hands on his desk and took a deep quivering breath. The texture of the wood was rough beneath his fingers as he tried to calm his racing heart, mentally preparing himself not to rip Ray's head off as soon as he laid eyes on him...or kiss him senseless for that matter.

Fraser fished out the key Ray had given him a while ago and entered the flat, a bit fearful of what he might find. To his relief, Ray wasn't limping around or painfully sprawled on the couch. In fact, he was nowhere in sight but most assuredly at home as proved by the coat thrown over a chair. Fraser's hand slid lovingly over the sleek leather, stopping at the bloodstain and tear in the lining. Easily repaired and cleaned but every time he would see it...
He looked at Diefenbaker as the wolf trotted through the flat towards the bedroom and sat down in the doorway. Fraser smiled when he heard the faint snore coming from the room and went over to Dief. His smile grew when he saw Ray slumped on the bed, fully clothed and apparently knocked out by the painkillers. It was a miracle he'd been capable to drive home at all. The afternoon sun streamed in through the latticed window, caressing Ray's body and peaceful face. Dust particles danced a slow, mystical ballet in the golden spotlights of the sun. He grimaced, heart lurching painfully as he looked at his partner, his friend, the man he loved. He fell in love with Ray that day in the crypt; that interminable wait for Ray's nemesis. There, Kowalski had first -carefully - opened up to him. To be honest, he was smugly pleased he had gotten the chance to tell the man he found him attractive, even very much so. From the moment they met -well, after the big surprise anyway- he knew Ray was a good man; but then, Kowalski had taken that bullet for him. He couldn't believe that Ray, someone he'd just met, would do that for him, never mind the vest. It was a moment that haunted his nightmares: the feel of that body going limp in his arms, Ray motionless on the concrete, unconscious, dead for all he knew.

He startled when Ray suddenly turned over, mumbling incoherently. Afraid of getting caught, Fraser retreated to the living room and took place on the couch, shaking open the newspaper he had found in front of Ray's door

For hours nothing moved in the bedroom and Fraser used the time to calmly read the paper before getting up to brew the fresh coffee Ray would surely need when he woke up. Finally, he decided to do the dishes.
As he set the last plate in the cupboard, Ray staggered out of the bedroom and blinked foggily when he saw the Mountie. Fraser poured him a cup a coffee and dumped some smarties into it.
"Hey Frase, Welsh call ya?"
"Yes, coffee?"
Ray nodded eagerly and went for the coffee à la smarties like a junkie for a needle. No matter how angry and worried he had been and still was, Benton smiled at his friend's delighted face as he downed the brew. Even shadowed with a beard stubble, tousled, dopey and with faint lines of pain around his eyes Ray was still beautiful but also disturbingly vulnerable-looking. He watched patiently as his partner drank his coffee and grinned when Ray twitched under his inquisitive gaze. Finally, Kowalski put the cup down and turned towards the Mountie.
"Okay Frase, I give...what's up? I got drool on my face or something?"
"No Ray, you don't."
His voice was considerably icier, full of restrained anger.
"Guess this is about me trying to stop a bullet, isn't it?"
"You could say that."
Ray made a face and walked over to the windows, refilled cup in his hand. Finally, Fraser cracked. His calm placid exterior broke and he exploded.
"How could you be so careless?!"
He hadn't meant to shout but his anger had taken control of his vocal chords.
"Whadda ya mean?", Ray asked innocently, looking out of the window.
"What do I mean?! How could you jump in front of a gun when you're not wearing your Kevlar? How can you risk your life like that?!"
Ray shrugged.
"It's my job, Fraser and besides I'm okay. Bullet just scraped me a bit, that's all."
Fraser threw his arms in the air -drama queen style- exasperated by Ray's general 'who gives a fuck?' attitude.
"You could've been killed! Why didn't you wait for backup like any normal police-officer? How could you be so damn careless?"
"Fraser, take a pill, lie down. Are you my mum or somethin'?"
Ray quit his place by the window and poured himself a third cup of coffee before looking at his still-seething partner.
"No, I'm not your mother, Ray but I'm you partner and...I worry about you."
"That's cute Fraser, but tell me, do you wear a vest?"
"No", the Mountie said suspiciously.
"And don't you throw yourself in front of guns, cars, assorted freaks and let's not forget, off various buildings and other high things on a regular basis?"
Ray arched an eyebrow, sarcasm spiking his voice.
"Yes...but...", Fraser sputtered.
"Yeah, but nothin'! We both do it all the time. It gives me the creeps when you do it and you freak out when I do it. It never used to be an issue so what changed?"
Ray fixed him with an expectant gaze but Fraser remained silent. He couldn't tell Ray why things were different now. He couldn't say what was screaming inside his mind; that everything was changed now because, now, he was in love with Ray and deadly afraid of losing him. So scared that his friend would foolishly get himself killed somehow.
"Like I said", Ray interrupted his train of thought; "you do it all the time, so why not me? Ya feel like I'm rainin' on yer parade or something?"
"No, of course not!"
"Then what?"
Fraser shrugged and looked at his friend who was swigging down the last of his coffee. He decided to be at least partly honest.
"You...you just scared me, that's all. When Lieutenant Welsh called and said you were shot...I feared the worst."
Ray frowned, a lop-sided grin plastered on his face.
"So basically, you're chewin' my ass off 'cause I scared the livin' shit outta ya?"
"Not quite so graphic, but yes."
Ray plunged the empty cup in the sink and walked over to the phone.
"I'm starvin' for a pizza; you want somethin' special on it?
Stunned by his friend's unexpected reaction, Fraser only shook his head as Ray started to dial.

Ray threw the half-eaten pizza crust in the cardboard box and sat back in the couch, wiping his fingers on a paper napkin. He looked at Fraser, who finally caved in and gave a slice of pepperoni-and-cheese to Diefenbaker.
"Okay Fraser, I got some food in me, got the edge of my caffeine-addiction and I'm basically relaxed. You're gonna tell me now what's really up with you?"
Fraser stopped quietly berating Dief about his atrocious begging and pigging out and looked up at Ray, surprised and wary.
"What do you mean?"
Ray snorted.
"I mean you're not sayin' all. I know we just met a coupla months ago but I think I know ya. But more important...I so know when you're lyin' to me. You're not even good at it, ya keep scratchin' yer eyebrow."
"Ah..."
"Ah?! That's all you gotta say? Come on, stop shoving me all this bull and just say what you gotta say!"
Fraser got up from the couch and paced the small flat, observed by Ray and Dief.
"Fraser!"
"I can't tell you, Ray. I'm afraid I'll scare you."
Ray laughed shortly.
You're my partner, Benton, my buddy, my pal and I've been a cop fer the last ...too long...You gotta bring on something real big to be able to scare me."
"It is big. Just, promise me you wont go berserk or anything."
"I promise I wont freak out, now spill it."

Fraser took a deep breath and decided if the moment of truth was come, now was as good a time as any. Actually, this was more or less the best moment he could hope for. They had privacy, Ray was paying attention and focused on him. this was the big 'IT'.
"This is the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you. Not because of what it is but because you are my friend and..."
"Jesus, you're sayin' goodbye to me!"
Ray sounded aghast, his grey eyes violently dark in the pale face.
"What?"
Fraser shook his head, brought out of his concentration by Ray.
"You're not bein' transferred again, are ya?"
The question was asked with a horror-filled voice that made Fraser warm inside.
"No, that's not it at all."
Kowalski relaxed a little when Fraser smiled, consciously wiping the worried look from his face.
"Sorry I interrupted ya..."
Again, Fraser hesitated. He really did want to tell his friend once and for all, but a part of him was still reluctant. Suddenly, probably bored half unconscious by all the talk he couldn't actually hear, Diefenbaker jumped up against him barking loudly as if urging him on. He gently pushed the wolf away and scraped his throat.
"This is really hard to say because I don't know how you are going to react but I feel that if I don't say it I'm going to explode or something of that sort. So...Ray, I love you, I'm in love with you. There I said it."
The air stretched thin. A bit worried, he threw a surreptious glance at Ray who was staring at him with a vaguely blank, vaguely amused expression on his face. After a few tense, crackling moments, his partner pensively covered his mouth with his hand. Fraser could see tendrils of mirth intertwined with something resembling shock in the smoky eyes.
"Well?"
"Well what, Fraser? What do you expect from me? How do ya want me to react here?"
Fraser sighed, partly happy that -so far- Ray hadn't run away screaming or shot him or something.
"I don't know. How do you feel for me?"
Ray pushed himself from the couch and, in his turn, started pacing the other part of the room.
"I...I'm not sure...I mean, I love ya an' all. You’re my partner, my best friend since...ever. I trust ya with my life and more but..."
Fraser's heart sank.
"But?"
Ray turned to him and bravely, steadfastly looked his friend in the eye.
"I'm not sure if I feel that way about ya. You're very attractive of course..."
"But you aren't attracted to me."
Kowalski shook his head and, absent-minded, patted Dief who jumped up against him.
"I'm not sayin' that...You're gorgeous but I ...I never allowed my self to get tempted by you."
"But you could be?".
"Of course! Who couldn't? I mean, look at ya! I yet have to meet someone who doesn't want ta jump yer bones as soon as they look at ya."
Fraser smiled, blushing heavily at the insinuation.
"Could you...love me?"
"Yeah Frase, I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with ya."
"Oh..."
"Yeah, big fuckin' oh.", Ray snorted.
When Fraser turned away, grimacing, Ray approached a little.
"Look Fraser, gimme some time here. Let me work this out for myself, okay. I've been willin' myself not to feel that way about ya and...please, just gimme some time."
Fraser smiled happily
"As much time as you want, Ray. This doesn't change anything."

Ray passed his fingers through his spiky hair, somewhat embarrassed by the awkward situation. He cocked his head, avoiding his partner's gaze.
"Hold me"
The mountie ran his thumb along his eyebrow, placing a firm restrain on his body which really only wanted to jump with glee.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
Fraser approached his friend and carefully slid his arms around the wiry body. He shivered when his friend's hands found their place on his back and lay there, warmly. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up when Ray's soft breath feathered his cheek and ear. At first, the embrace was somewhat awkward but then Ray seemed to relax. What a difference, the quality of touch, the subtle shift in placement that turned a hug into a hold. It was good to feel his friend hold on to him like that. He gathered all his courage and took a leap.
"Could I...?"
"Kiss me?"
Fraser pulled back a little and looked at Ray's flushed face.
"Yes. You don't have to if you don't want to, obviously. No pressure, okay."
"Okay."
"Okay what?"
Fraser studied his friend ad smiled when he saw the intense scrutiny of his collar.
"Okay, kiss me."
The words made a colony of ants decide to go on manoeuvres in his stomach. He cupped his friend's face and softly pressed his lips on Ray's. Surprise seemed at first to paralyse Kowalski and then his mouth became pliant under Fraser's. Their tongues touched for the first time and it was as if he had never kissed before. Never had a kiss felt like this; it had never been as if he were floating in space or better, twirling about madly in the black endless void. He couldn't believe this was happening, that his wildest dream was finally coming true. That he was holding and kissing this man. And in him was this hope, this wild faith that -oh please! God please!- this man might love him back.
They finally broke off their thrilling kiss and Ray pulled back some, a bit flushed but with a mocking grin.
"Buddy-breathin', my ass! You were frenchin' me!"
Fraser laughed, somewhat embarrassed at being caught.
"Well...a bit of both maybe. I did give you air."
" and a tongue."

After a few seconds, Ray motioned he wanted out of the embrace and, a bit regretful, Fraser let him go.
"Are you okay with this?"
Ray chuckled and stroked the back of his neck.
"I'll be okay, I guess. This is weird but I like it. Don't know if I'm in love, just feels wrong when we’re apart, doesn't it?"
Fraser was touched by Ray's simple moving words and he realised that, even if this wouldn't lead to a relationship, they would still be friends. They stood there, only a few paces apart, both awkward. Suddenly, Diefenbaker barked loudly, startling him. Fraser looked at his watch and grimaced.
"Oh dear...I have to go, Ray. When I heard you got shot I rushed out of the consulate without telling Inspector Thatcher.
"She's gonna skin you alive", Ray answered dryly. Fraser smirked.
"Don't I know it. Look Ray, I wont be able to drop by tonight."
Kowalski shook his hand dismissively.
"That's okay, Frase. I need some time to work this out, anyway. We'll see eachother tomorrow, okay?"
He smiled encouragingly as the Mountie slid on his coat, swatting the wolf away at the same time. Kowalski grabbed the Stetson from the table and handed it to his friend. They were standing close, very close as if ready to kiss again. Ray could see flecks of gold drifting like islands in Fraser's blue eyes. He quickly stepped back, intimidated by the closeness and tenderness obvious in Fraser's gaze. Reaching out, he touched the Mountie's arm, the strong shoulder in its blue coat. There now was a strange, new quality to that touch, a deep intimacy. Suddenly awkward, he crossed his arms over his chest. Fraser smiled.
"I love you."
"You said that already, Frase."
"I'm glad I told you. You can't imagine what a weight has been lifted."
Ray laughed sarcastically
"Yeah, thanks fer that load, by the way."
"Sorry."
"Just jokin', Fraser"
Ray accompanied his friend to the door and before Fraser left, he swept a tender caress across Kowalski's stubbly cheek and closed the door behind him, glad the truth was finally out in the open.

Fraser had left several hours ago and now, Ray sat on the couch in his darkening apartment. The setting sun had long ago disappeared behind one of the high-rises. Ray idly rubbed the stinging wound and the sore ribs under the bandage. Fraser loved him. It almost made him giggle. The admission had come as a surprise but a pleasant one. A shock, yes, but a nice one. He had never considered the possibility Fraser might fall for guys, or for him for that matter. Now, it was up to him to decide if he was gonna let go of all the restraints he had placed upon himself and fall in love with his friend. An easy task in itself, but was he ready for all its implications? Hiding the truth; bein' careful, watching' every single word to make sure nothing inappropriate slipped out in front of the wrong person, being on your toes every minute of the day not to be caught in a compromising' situation. Hard work, but on the other hand, he'd have Fraser. Okay, so this wasn't the first time he was attracted to a guy; but except foer some teenage porking around, he had no experience whatsoever. He'd heard rumours about Fraser and Vecchio but never really believed them much. Guess there was some truth in them after all. He just didn't know if he could do the love-thing again. He'd been hurt so bad last time, he was afraid he'd never heal. It had taken him a long time to get over Stella and he never would completely. But what if it didn't work out between Fraser and him, what then? How could they still be partners if things went wrong between them?
You know you love him, you're just looking fer excuses
Oh fuck off, Yoda, I don't need yer bullshit!
He laughed out loud but groaned when his ribs complained of the very unwanted movement. It was odd to sit here, considering if he should begin a relationship with his friend who -by the way- loved him. To be considering their future together seemed surreal somehow. The problem wasn't IF he loved Fraser, that was easy, but if he should. When he looked deep inside his heart, he could do nothing else but admit he loved Fraser. Ah man, he fell for the guy weeks ago. He had barged in on the Mountie’s life and the guy had swept him off his feet. Never thought Fraser was the sweepin' kind.
Still...Strange that Fraser should fall for him. Out of the troves of people who threw themselves at the Mountie’s feet, begging for attention, his friend had picked him. Picked the unhinged, slightly damaged, skinny, cynical Chicago flatfoot with the - yeah, yeah, yeah- experimental hair. The one guy who hadn't expected to get or deserve the friendship and care he got from Fraser. The sole man who had not dared ask anything because he was too afraid to feel anything for anybody. Just too weird...but pretty cool.

Ray's breath came in short, raw gasps, which surprised him because he figured he was in better shape than that. His condition was lousy. The gun was becoming pretty heavy in his hand, slippery with sweat.
Fraser was right behind him. He could hear the Mountie’s boots clatter against the pavement. He rounded the corner and finally caught sight again of the man they were pursuing, the son-of-a-bitch who sold bad crack to some high school kids. Ray clenched his teeth, a grim look on his face and he doubled his efforts, speeding after the criminal.

Tunnel vision, he guessed that's what they called it. Getting so focused on one thing, the brain shut out everything else. Something the academy had always warned about because it could and would get you killed. Unfortunately, he'd been suffering from it his entire life; it made him a good cop and helped him focus. Of course, it was only a matter of time before it would bite him on the ass. And so it did.
He never imagined getting hit by a car would be so...electrifying, so bloodcurdling. It wasn't even that bad. It wasn't even as if the car ran over him or anything. It just nicely scooped him up, threw him over the hood and roof and neatly deposited him back on the asphalt in a nice little pile of cop.
Numb. No pain. Weird...just like gettin' shot. Numbness, then usually the pain starts to spread.
I wait for it...Nope...Nuthin' yet. Yippee?
Ooh, there's somethin'...No, just Fraser's hands on my face? That's okay, Fraser wont hurt me, Fraser loves me. I love Fraser.
Wow, figure that, being a mess to discover ya actually really love someone. And I do, I'm totally in love with Fraser. What a nice thing to cling to when the pain will hit.
Yoo-hoo, pain are you out there?
A part of me is suddenly deadly afraid. The absence of pain in a battered body is a bad sign, one of the worst. I'm thinking' paralysis, paraplegia, quadriplegia. Inklings of a cold, acid fear drip into my mind. I'm actually praying for the pain to come now. Prayin' for pain so bad, it'll make me scream my lungs bloody. But nothing comes. No pain, no nuthin', only this howling trashing fear inside my head. I end up feeling totally detached from my body. It's not a part of me anymore. Maybe that's why I can't feel anything. I hope.
Just realised I'm lookin' in the dark here. Can't see a fucking thing. Oh great! On top of being paralysed now I'm blind too?! Can hear everything though. Behind my own whirling', shouting' thoughts, I can hear Fraser talking to me, reassuring me. Sirens way back. I gotta listen to Frase. What's he saying'? Coulda guessed...stupid things. Stupid silly love shit. That's sweet. Wish I could say I finally found out I loved him back. Gotta remember to tell him as soon as I ...'wake up'? Or maybe not...last thing he needs is a damn cripple tellin' him he loves him. Not like he needs the responsibility. God, I'm so scared! Never been so afraid in my life. The siren's gettin' closer, startin' to drown out Fraser's voice.

What the hell? There it is...Oh God...the pain...it's here! Agony colours my darkness red and white. Electric blue lightning bolts of agony shoot through me. I scream inside my head but I think I'm only moaning. I scream and laugh. Seriously, I'm laughin' like a maniac here -in between the screamin'. That can so not be healthy. But I'm relieved beyond belief. Pain in my condition is a good thing; the phantom of paralysis is gone now. All I feel is this insane mix of fear -which is good- and a hysterical amusement -which isn't. Waves of ridiculous humour spread over me and no smothering will help it. I'm laughin' and screamin' and cryin' all at the same time as they hoist me in the ambulance. Man, this pain's getting' real bad on me. Feels like a surge of fuckin' acid washing over me. Gotta let go, man. Shit! This hurts! I love it! Could that sound weirder? Oh man, just plunge into the oblivion. Oblivion? Where da fuck did I learn that word? Fraser's good for my vocab.

Another bout of searing pain clawed at Ray's body and he quickly, gratefully slipped away in the cool darkness.

"Hey man, I called an ambulance, okay. They'll be right over!"
Fraser nodded gratefully at the young man and covered the ugly gash on Ray's brow with his hand, gently applying pressure to the wound. Oblivious to the people around them, he started talking to Ray, telling him how much he loved him, saying all those silly, ridiculous sounding things that had been torturing his mind for months. All those sweet nothings fell from his lips in desperation. He wiped the tears away that dripped on his friend's cheek.
The ambulance wailed closer. Suddenly, Ray twitched under his hands and when Fraser looked, his eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily. When an agonised moan escaped Ray's lips, Fraser shuddered. Then, the ambulance was upon them and the ME's took over, quickly strapping Ray to a board and immobilising him.
The trip to the hospital was acutely branded on Fraser's mind. He knew that, if asked, he would be able to repeat the ME's conversation word for word; he had been so focused on everything they said.
Once Ray was taken into the trauma room, things went a little hazy. Strange how the mind retains some memories and foregoes others. At some point, he must've called Lieutenant Welsh and Inspector Thatcher, because the lieutenant showed up in minutes. Thatcher showed up a few hours later.

I'm wakin' up. I can feel it. Calmly floatin' up from the nothing. Like a three-day-old corpse from the water. A handful of seconds after I get lucid well...lucid- I got no idea who or where I am. Wait...where is easy...let's see...smell of disinfectant, starched sheets...things pokin' me in places I don't wanna think about...Oh yeah. Hellooo hospital! Now why the fuck am I here?

My head feels funny...No, scrap that, I feel funny all over. Vague pain in my ribs and lungs, slightly more pressing pain in my shoulder and arm. The head? Feels like it's been stuffed with cotton balls...the spiky sort. Mad Max version. Bring on the painkillers, please! Put me up for a truckload! Now, I know I ain't drunk...drunk is more fun.

I open my eyes a crack and expect a bright light to assault me, but the room is kinda dark. Night maybe?
Suddenly, someone's movin' beside me and a man comes closer. Guy in a weird red uniform. As soon as I look him in the eyes, everything falls into place, everything makes sense.
"Fraser"
Wow, decrepit voice. But his face lights up like a Christmas tree and he carefully leans over me. His hand is warm against my cheek and he's looking in my eyes like a moron. A totally cute moron.
I'm needin' some water here. Geeesh, he pulls this mind reader routine on me and hastens to get me that delicious lookin' cup of water on my nightstand. He oh so gently lifts my head and helps me to get at the straw. Feel as weak as a kitten but the water helps to clear out the cobwebs. Fraser puts the cup away and sits on the side of my bed. He's lookin' at me and he's God Almighty pissed. I'm momentarily grateful to be a mess.
"How do you feel?"
No matter how angry he is, his voice's soft and smooth like damp velvet. I consider the question; honesty's always the best route to take with Fraser.
"Twelve rounds against Tyson."
He smiles understanding, but I see something in his eyes that's off. As if, in the time I was out, he saw somethin' that changed him. Gives me the creeps. I wanna comfort him, but I'm so fuckin' tired. Raising my arm and laying my hand against his cheek almost drains my energy. I smile at my Mountie, the cutest most innocent smile I can manage.
"I love you, Fraser."
It's okay, I can say it. I know I ain't paralysed. Believe me, I can feel every achin' bone in my body. The tears in his eyes shock me. Never saw him cry before, not really. Fuckin' freaks me out! He blinks and a tear falls on my face. I'm crying with his tears. I know he's struggling for an answer.
"Ray, you have a concussion."
His voice is calm, sober, but he can't fool me, he can't hide the hope in it. I pinch his ear; the only aggressive action I'm capable of.
"Fuck the concussion, Frase. I know what I'm sayin' you idiot, I love ya."
I'm really way too tired to be convincin' anybody, never mind keepin' awake. he leans in closer and his lips softly brush against mine. His lips are hot but so soft. All in all, it's a very chaste kiss but no less sensual. I know it's only the second time I do this, but there's somethin' about kissin' Fraser that makes my head swim. Could be the concussion though.
He pulls back but keeps sittin' on my bed. I like that. My hand rests on his leg and I feel the long lean muscle of his thigh under my fingers.
"Talk to me."
His eyebrows arch high in surprise but he nods. After a few seconds deep thought, he starts to recite some poem...Wait...I know this...I've read this...because of him, the book he gave to me...Service. Robert Service, the Yukon poet. Cool.
I like the rhythm of his speech, the simple beauty of the poem. Fraser's voice accompanies me as I drift off. not into scary dark nothings but in a world of snow and sky and Fraser right beside me. The land he calls home....I'd love to call home.

Fraser finished the third poem 'The Pines' and sat back when he realised Ray was asleep. Although the doctors had assured him there was absolutely no brain damage, he'd still been worried. However, Ray seemed okay, somewhat confused but okay.
And he said he loved him. He was suffering from a concussion, for Pete's sake; did he even know what he was saying?!
Fraser hoped so. The words had made his heart dance a jig, but he could not stop doubt from sneaking into his mind. Ray was a mess: four broken ribs, a bruised lung, dislocated shoulder, broken wrist, concussion and a stunning collection of assorted bruises, cuts, scrapes and abrasions.

As soon as Inspector Thatcher had shown up a few hours ago, he had requested a two-week absence from the moment Ray would leave the hospital. She had grudgingly granted him the leave, so he was in the clear to take care of Ray.
His friend had been very lucky. He should've been killed or at least seriously injured, but to all purposes his injuries were rather minor. He would be able to leave the hospital in a week or so if all went well.
God! He was so angry! Angry with Ray for scaring him, angry because he got hurt...angry for being able to get hurt. The human body could be so vulnerable, Ray could be so vulnerable. Fraser had faith in his own body, knew how far he could push it, knew the abuse it would take. He knew its strengths and weaknesses and its threshold of endurance. He knew his body, more so than most people. It was a shock to realise he couldn't trust Ray's body the same way. He knew his partner was strong; there was no doubting that. Kowalski was strong but more sinewy than muscled, more quick and agile than a brute force. The thing was, he had just really realised how easily Ray could get killed and that discovery scared the living daylights out of him. Again.
Ray could stand his own in fistfights and gunfights and was apt at giving the not non-existent impression of physical threat. Kowalski was hard as nails and could go arctic on you in a heartbeat. But underneath all that, Ray was as sensitive and fragile as any man, even more so.
But the superhero charm had been stripped from Fraser's eyes. Bad things could happen to them and that was a frightening thought. Not that it would change much in the long run. Once back on the job, they'd both take foolish risks again and do stupid foolhardy things, act as if they were invulnerable. Because they were officers of the law and because being that was not just a job but a way of living. And because they were slightly unhinged.

But at least, they had eachother. After his confession to Ray, it had been only a bit awkward to work with his friend. He had half expected Ray to be cold and distant but nothing had been farther from the truth. Those few days between the confession and the accident, Ray had seemed to be experimenting with his comfort level around Fraser. He didn't mind, he rather liked the hardly hidden glances, the lingering furtive touches, the sweet shy smiles, the care in those grey eyes. Ray had surprised him, as usual. He had truly never met a man so capable of unexpected turns and twists. If possible, his love for Ray grew daily and his friend now, finally loved him back...maybe.

Benton quietly sat down in the armchair and looked at Ray, sleeping in the hospital bed. His friend looked good, so much better then a week ago when he had been brought in. Fraser grimaced and lowered his gaze to his hands which had been covered in his partner's blood. He closed his eyes but the image of Ray's lifeless twisted body appeared out of the darkness. His ears still rang with his own scream. He shuddered and quickly opened his eyes, his gaze settling again on Ray's sleeping form. The sun fell in through the window, bathing the room in a haze that almost seemed like liquid gold. It was a beautiful sight and if they had been in any other place, he would've enjoyed the dazzling light. But not so now.
Ray would be coming home tomorrow and they were both rather ecstatic about it. It had been a very exhausting week, starting out in a marrow-deep fear but ending in relief and hope. Now, at last, Ray was coming home. Fraser looked forward to it; he was going to move in for a few weeks to take care of Ray. He was aching to hold his friend. He had hardly been allowed to touch him, which was okay because Ray hurt too much anyway. But the absence of touch, which he had grown used to living with someone as physical as Ray, hurt his skin.
Ray had hugged him yesterday. Briefly, softly, but it had been wonderful. He had almost clung to his friend like a drowning man to a life-preserver. It was strange how emotional he had become since falling in love. But he didn't really care; he liked this new vulnerability, these new turbulent feelings. He loved Ray and he was happy, stuff the rest!

Fraser sighed and got up out of the chair, stretching to ease his tired aching muscles. A low moan made him look down and he gestured invitingly.
"Go ahead, Diefenbaker."
The wolf jumped on the chair and lay down with a deep sigh. Benton could swear his companion wore a most unbecoming smug look on his snout. Not that he should be smug about gaining access to that particular seat; over the last couple of days, Fraser had developed an irrational but deep loathing for the armchair. He hated the thing, vehemently. He realised it was silly to carry resentment for an inanimate object but...hey, when you talk to your dead deceased ghostly father on a regular basis, what harm can there be in hating a chair?

He walked past Ray's bed over to the window and looked at the world outside. It was a hot day for Chicago and everything seemed aglow with vibrant life. It had been hot too when the accident happened. After all that running, Fraser remembered the sweat on his back and chest, making his uniform itch even more than usual. But no matter how hot and flushed he had been, seeing his friend's slim body being tossed over that car, hearing the sickening thud when he hit the road...it still chilled him to the core, even now.
Every memory of that day was covered with blood, the bright red hurting his eyes. Blood...blood all over his soul. Pain flicked through him, savage as a physical beating. Fraser rubbed a hand over his tired eyes and forced his mind back to the present, throwing off all those haunting images, knowing he'd be meeting them in his dreams for quite a while. He turned his back to the window and rested against the windowsill, gazed at Ray and smiled. His friend was so beautiful, so peaceful in sleep. After having been so violently confronted with his fear of losing his friend, it had almost turned into full-blown phobia now. He wished he could whisk Ray away from Chicago and keep him safe somewhere in the Northwest Territories, in a place he knew and could more or less control. Maybe some day, he'd be able to persuade his friend to come along to Canada with him. Maybe...
Fraser approached the bed and, ever so softly, wary of waking his friend, let his fingers glide along Ray's sharp jaw. His friend had lost some weight in this short time, it rather frightened him. Ray was the lean type, but now he reminded Fraser of a broken-winged bird.
Long slender fingers covered his hand, still resting on the stubbled cheek. His friend's grey eyes beamed at him, tenderness mingled with laughter. Fraser leaned over and pressed his lips to his friend's cool brow. He pulled back and, pulling a chair close, sat down.
"Sorry I woke you.", Fraser said apologetically.
"Ya didn't...done sleepin'...been doin' it fer a week fer Chrissakes."
"You needed rest, Ray."
"You're the one who looks like he needs a rest."
Fraser smiled, knowing he looked beat. A week of worry could wear a man out. All he wanted to do was crawl in bed -preferably with Ray- and sleep for a week.
"You sure you're okay?"
Ray's worried voice intruded on his thoughts and he smiled reassuringly.
"Yes Ray, I'm fine. You just....scared me, again."
"Sorry..."
"You should be sorry!" Fraser exclaimed in a not-so-mock-stern voice. Ray tenderly caressed the Mountie’s cheek.
"I ain't sure if I told ya 'cause I forgot a bunch but...", Ray waited, inserting a dramatic pause.
"I love you, Fraser...or as you put it, I’m in love with you. Serious and sure of it."
Fraser remained grave; this time he couldn't blame it on Ray's concussion, this time it was real and without a doubt: Ray loved him. Blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes, he gently cupped Ray's face and pressed a kiss on the dry, hot lips, prying them apart with his tongue. He plundered his partner's mouth, both of them reverberating with love and lust and everything in between. He was amazed at how natural, how right it felt to be so held and caressed by Ray. They finally broke their kiss and Fraser looked at his breathless not-yet lover.
Soon, he promised himself, soon they would share each other’s bed and lives completely. As soon as Ray was better, a new life would begin for them.
Ray ran his thumb along Fraser's lips and smiled.
"I can't wait to get ya in bed, Frase. I wanna hear ya call my name...along with God's, Jesus' and all twelve apostles."

They lay in each other’s arms, tangled in sheets and limbs, drowsy from the passion they had just shared. Ray's arms, wrist still in its cast, lay heavily across Fraser's chest. The Mountie softly caressed the healing limb. When Ray pressed a kiss on his shoulder, Fraser looked over at his lover but the latter's eyes were already closed. He sighed deeply, enjoying the feel of his partner dozing off in his arms.
Tomorrow, 'their' sick leave would be over and reality would intrude on their lives anew. Secrecy was pretty much a moot point, considering Welsh already knew. Unbelievable but true, the lieutenant knew. He had come to dinner a few nights ago and before leaving -halfway through the door already- he had turned towards the Mountie.
"Constable, Kowalski has a lot of paperwork to catch up on. So please, when you jump his bones try not to break any of them."
His tone had been as usual, dry and sarcastic but there was no malice in it. He had left with those words, leaving Fraser slightly stunned and flustered on the doormat. Ray had laughed when he heard.
"Trust Welsh to figure this stuff out before we do."

Fraser was almost deliriously happy. Lying in bed with his body wrapped around Ray's was like a dream. Only one wish remained in his heart now: a change of scenery. He wished he could replace the Chicago skyline with a Yukon view. He was homesick, very homesick; but now that his lover was with him, he could almost deal with it. He would deal with it, he would stay for Ray, his heart, his beloved.
"He needs you to stay, son."
Fraser almost jumped out of the bed when his father spoke, appearing in the corner of the darkened room."
"Hi dad"
Fraser Sr threw an earnest, grave glance in his son's direction.
"He needs you to stay, you know. You're his soul. Your to him what your mother was to me, Benton. Don't ever let him go."
Fraser smiled, touched by his father's words.
"I love him, dad. Oh dear, listen to the sound of that...I love him. I could never let him go, I'd die.
The older Mountie's face darkened, a sad serious look replacing the usual pleasant expression.
"He would die, son. One way or another."
Fraser shook his head, dismayed at his father's underestimation of Ray.
"He's stronger than that, dad. Much stronger."
"The yank used to be strong, son. But he was hurt a lot, too much to be able to survive another wound. He's a very vulnerable man. He's a man who doesn't love easily and because of that, he loves too much. Consider all you do, son. Never break his heart, he wouldn't make it."
It was a strange, uncommonly profound statement and, for once, to the point. Fraser knew his father was right; Ray was a fragile man, which was one of the reasons he loved him.
Suddenly, a thought dawned on him and he frowned.
"You don't mind then?"
"Mind what?"
Fraser's fingers traced the curve of his lover's jaw and throat."
"That Ray and I are together. That we're a couple ... you know."
Bob Fraser smiled the warmest, most paternal smile he had in his repertoire.
"You're my son , Benton and you're in love, that's all that matters to me. It's not important whether you're in love with a man or a woman. Love is so rare, don't deny it when you find just because it's not as you expected. Shame though, I'd love to have some grandkids..."
"Dad!"
Bob Fraser help up his hands in a fend-off motion.
"I know, I know...but I'm an old man..."
"You're a deceased man...", Fraser replied dryly, " and anyway, the job..."
"...comes first?"
Fraser sighed.
"First, second and last...right after Ray."
His father looked at the entwined couple for a long time, his grey eyes boring into Benton's. Then, as if finding the answer he needed in them, he smiled.
"It's good to see you finally found him, son. He's a good man, I'm proud of you."
"Thank you, dad."
Looking out of the window, Bob Fraser spoke and Benton heard him as if he was speaking on the wind.
"Keep him close, son. Don't let him slip through your fingers."
Fraser's hold on his lover tightened; a cold fear lay darkly in his gut.
"I won't, dad. I'll never let him go."
When he looked up, his father was no longer in the bedroom. Fraser buried his nose in his lover's blond ruffled hair and held on."

Ray and Fraser had 'officially' been a couple for two months now, counting from the moment Ray had admitted his feelings. Two glorious months of love and loving. Fraser had always known Ray wasn't a prude but to actually be on the receiving end of that non-prudishness was pretty overwhelming. Anyway, that was more or less the same thing Ray said to him.
Not many people knew about their relationship; Welsh, after that evening, had pretty much dropped the subject altogether although Fraser would catch him staring at them from time to time. They suspected Huey and Dewey knew more than they let on to, actually they let on to a lot, dropping insinuations and hints which were stubbornly ignored. Thankfully, Inspector Thatcher and Francesca were still blissfully unaware. The big shock had actually come from Turnbull. A few days after Fraser had gotten back to work, the younger Mountie had stumbled into his office, sweeping a pile of papers to the floor and sobbing like ... well, the lovable idiot he was. Turnbull had flopped down in the free chair and, with fits and starts, said he understood their need for privacy and secrecy, but that he just had to say (bawl, snivel) how wonderful it was (blubber, sob) that they - he and Ray - had finally found eachother. And did he know (choked wail) what a beautiful couple they made?! And could he offer his heartiest congratulations and rest assured no one would hear about this from him.
Fraser had nodded and stammered something like 'thank you' and Turnbull had left the office, still blubbering. Fraser had needed a few moments to gather his thoughts after that. He'd told Ray, but his lover had shook his head mumbling something about 'crazy, psychic Mounties, drop-dead gorgeous, mad as ....'
So far, Turnbull had kept his word...so far.

Benton curled up against his lover, wrapping himself around the slender body. His movements soft enough not to wake Ray. Since they came together, Fraser had definitely been sleeping less, not only because of the sex -which did make the night pass quickly- but because he seemed to do his best thinking a night. He softly caressed his lover's pale skin, letting his fingers skim over the wiry muscles. Ray murmured something and Fraser caught the warm naked body against him; Ray's hard body, lean and sinewy, artless and sublimely masculine.
Always needing to get closer to his lover, he buried his face in the soft hair. It was odd how only a few months ago they were both so hurt and lonely and, now, they had found eachother and all that pain and solitude had been transformed into happiness and love.
Ray's breath feathered his neck, sending shivers down his spine. Suddenly, a soft whimper made Fraser freeze. He pulled back to look at Ray, noting how his lover's skin reflected the pale moonlight; the ethereal lighting making him look incongruously gentle and very beautiful. Ray again let out a painful moan and his face contorted, obviously troubled. Fraser's arm tightened when his lover suddenly awoke with a gasp. Ray grabbed him tight as if needing to reassure himself of Fraser's presence.
"Ray, are you alright?"
Benton didn't like the anxious, haunted look on Kowalski's face one bit and he took him in a punishing embrace, only vaguely worried he might hurt Ray's almost-healed ribs. But he also knew Ray wanted it hard, needed to be crushed against him. Ray lifted his head in search of a kiss and Fraser's mouth closed over his, possessive and teasing at once. Ray's graceful fingers caressed the Mountie's shoulders and back while he squirmed under his lover's heavier form. Ray was like whipcord in his arms, his skin like velvet. After a few moments, they broke off their kiss and Ray let his fingers glide along Fraser's jaw.
"What's wrong, Ray?"
I can't believe I waited so long. I always loved ya. Always. Call me an idiot."
Fraser smiled.
"Ray, my friend, you're an idiot."
"That's fuckin' romantic, Frase."
The Mountie chuckled shortly but fell silent when Ray rested his head against his broad chest.
"What can I do, Ray?"
"Yer doin' it, Frase. Just...don't ever let go, okay?"
Fraser closed his eyes shortly; it was good to be wanted, needed.
"I’ll never let go, Ray. Not ever."
Ray was his to have and hold, defying anyone to meddle with them. It was strange how love just happened and everything was changed forever.