Totus Tuus

So, here I stand with this thing pushed in my hands like it's a damn receipt or somethin'. And I stare at this guy, this big red mountie guy who managed to turn my life upside down completely, smiling politely as he did it. That's what bugs me the most, ya know. His god-damn politeness. I yell, threathen, curse and punch holes in walls when somethin' gets up my...nose; he smiles politely cold, says "thank you kindly" and leaves. Who lives like that, fer fuck's sake?!
Sometimes, I just wanna hurt him, ya know, to see if there's somethin' movin' beneath that frosty yukon mountie exterior of his. I call 'im a freak, mock him, taunt him and everytime I'm glad to see those eyes melt a bit. No matter how messed up our partnership was back then, he poppin' me on that quay back then was the best thing that could happen to him. It showed he had feelin'. It showed I got under his skin. Good, I like gettin' under someone's skin, especially if I can make Mr-Dudley-Doright-gone-fanatic lose his cool.
Well, now he made me lose my cool. Back to the 'thing', the friggin' restaurantbill.
"Ray", he said. " I do think it is my duty to tell you that I love you and that I should like to take our relationship to the next level."
I'm sorry, but I like my declarations of love to be a bit more passionate. He fuckin' loves me and it sounds like he's diagnosin' a disease or somethin'. I keep starin' at him; my jaw's been lyin' on the floor fer five minutes or so. I know I look like a friggin' moron but I can't seem to be able to move. He's sittin' there on the couch, sippin' the goddamn tea I bought him while I go catatonic on him. And it's not even the fact that he loves me that does it, 'cause that's great, my wildest dream; but it's the way he said it. I've never been propositioned this coldly before. I finally pick my jaw up and sit down on the couch facin' him, very slowly and carefully because I'm scared I'm gonna break in two if I sit down too fast. What is this? Is he lonely fer Vecchio and I'm handy? A one night stand? Just a fuck with the 'I love you' to sugarcoat it? I feel so...cheap...I already knew I was a replacement fer Vecchio, I can live with that (barely), but this...Shit! This hurts so much I feel like eatin' a bullet to make it stop. Okay, okay, I can do this. I grab my old familiar icy coat and wrap it around me. Immediatly, my pain freezes; it's still there but it ain't movin' anymore. I let myself get cold to the bone while I say goodbye to what Fraser meant to me. I can be a replacement but I'm not gonna be some fuckin' whore!
"What?!"
Fraser shouts it, his face filled with horror. Guess I said that out loud, huh? I'm so fuckin' cold! Haven't felt like this since the night Stella told me she was filin' fer divorce. It was just as arctic and hurt just as much.
Fraser scoots over so he sits next to me and places his hand on my cheek. I can't even feel his touch against my frozen shell. He makes me look into his eyes, they're deep and wild and full of turmoil. Mine are empty, I know it, that's the way I want them.

"Ray", his voice is horribly soft and tender. "You were never a replacement. You're too unique. I don't know where your thoughts led you in the minutes between me telling you I loved you and now, but I can hazard a guess. You think I only want to have sex with you and that untill Ray Vecchio comes back, don't you?"
He guessed it, so I nod. I look away, my tears freeze in my throat, icicles seep in my veins. Now, he takes my face in both hands. His face is very close to mine, his eyes piercing and warm.
"Ray...Stanley...I love you. I want to be with you, not because you are pretending to be Ray Vecchio, but because you are Stanley Kowalski and you -only you- stole my heart."
Now, if he'd said that to begin with...That's what I call a declaration of love; it's beautiful and sweet and...too late. Even with all the warmth of his words, he can't melt me. I can't let him melt my frozen armour. It's done, we're over, I'm dead. Oh God, this is worse than Stella. I'm never gonna live anymore. I killed myself forever now. Moments like these, I wish I could just pass out. Ya know, let myself slip away and never come back. Life would be great if I could jus' wish myself dead, 'cause I know I can't live with this cold inside of me. I can't and I wont. I wont!

Fraser's heart beat widly. He saw, he felt Ray slipping away from him. Those beautiful dovegrey eyes were completely devoid of emotions, of thoughts, of depth. His skin was ice to touch, as if Ray had draped a blanket of snow around himself. God, he was bad at this! Why was he so bad at this? As soon as the words left his mouth, he had known it was the worst possible way to tell Ray the truth. His friend had stared at him as if he'd just been shot by him. Then, very measuredly as if it hurt, Kowalski let himself sink down on the couch. Suddenly, Ray was gone and all that was left sitting next to him was this frozen husk of what his friend used to be. And then, that husk muttered those awful words in a voice so raw, Fraser was afraid blood would pour out with the next word. "I can be a replacement but I'm not gonna be some fuckin' whore." Oh God, Oh God, Ray didn't get it!
He held his friend's face in his hands, that hard frozen face with those numb dead eyes. Ray was dying, inside Ray was dying and it was his fault. He should've known, he should've realised Ray's insecurity and years of mistrust would turn this into something ugly. So, he tried to heal Ray the only way he could think of. He said what he should have said in the first place. And then, he kissed his friend. Hard. Kowalski didn't respond, only closed his eyes. Fraser pulled back and for a second he feared he'd been too late, that he'd unwittingly hurt Stanley too deep to ever heal when, suddenly, his friend started crying, silently. The tears streamed down the set face as if Ray was unaware of them.
"Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray, RAY..."
The eyes flew open and there was so much pain and fear in them, Fraser gasped.
"Dear God, Ray. How could you misjudge me so badly?"
"Because I suck, Fraser. I'm an idiot with a shitload of bogeymen. Ya shouldn't get involved with me. Find yerself someone sane and together, ya know. A normal person. I'm too tired to pretend anymore."
Fraser grimaced momentarily.
"Ray...Stanley...You don't have to pretend with me. I know you, Stanley Kowalski and I fell in love with you."
Warmth and trust seemed to seep back into Ray's eyes and the thick shell that covered him cracked and fell to pieces at his feet. He couldn't stop it, didn't even want to. His heart had already decided that it needed Fraser and wouldn't live without him. This time, he pulled Fraser close and their lips touched tenderly before their kiss deepened with a natural passion. Ray sighed delighted and snuggled against his partner.
"I don't have too many bogeymen fer ya?"
Fraser smiled and held his friend tight, resting his chin on top of the spiky hair.
"No, Ray, just the right amount."
Ray snaked his arms around Fraser's waist and closed his eyes. He felt warm and safe and protected in a way he had never felt before.
"I love ya, Ben."
Diefenbaker sat in the corner of the room, a smug look on his snout. He'd been beginning to despair that the mountie and the nice guy would ever get together. He lay down with a sigh and closed his eyes while the two men retreated to the bedroom.