Amoris Vulnus idem Sanat qui Facit

"No! NO!"
Hercules jumped awake as the screams reached their pitch, his heart raced with fright. He turned over to Iolaus who was lying next to him. The young man was trashing about in his sleep, moaning and screaming, obviously caught in the throes of a violent nightmare. Hercules’ heart was still thundering when he grabbed Iolaus by the shoulders and shook him.
"Iolaus! Come on, buddy, come on! Wake up!"
Iolaus’ eyes shot open, filled with terror, the pupils so dilated they almost eclipsed the blue. The young half-god gasped at the intensity of his friend’s gaze.
"Iolaus…are you okay?"
His voice was etched with worry. The young man looked at him, wide-eyed; he swallowed nervously and suddenly grasped Hercules tight, hiding his face in the folds of the linen shirt. Surprised, the half-god wrapped his arms around his frightened friend, dismayed to feel the shivers that racked the smaller body.
They sat so for a while. Hercules gently rocked his friend until the trembling stopped and Iolaus relaxed in his arms.
"Are you okay now, buddy?"
In response, Iolaus let go off Hercules, slid out of the embrace and sat back with eyes downcast, slightly blushing. Herc frowned and gently lay his hand on his friend’s arm.
"You wanna talk about it?"
"No."
There was defiance in the word. Iolaus sat huddled together, his face averted, tense.
"Sorry I woke you."
The words were spoken softly, the voice heavy with melancholy.
"it’s okay, you didn’t mean to."
Silence resumed its empire. Hercules was frustrated, this was the third time he’d been scared out of his sleep by Iolaus’ terrified screams and he didn’t know what to do anymore. At no moment had Iolaus offered an explication to what was troubling him and Hercules was worried. He knew Iolaus was hurting and he wanted to help so much, it ached. But as long as Iolaus didn’t open up to him…He decided to give it another shot.
"Come on, Iolaus. The nightmare…what was it about?"
Iolaus shook his head, his long curls wafting along with the movement, and looked up. The blue eyes burned into Hercules’ with a fierceness that startled the half-god.
"I don’t wanna talk about it, Herc. I mean it."
Hercules sighed and briefly closed his eyes, nodding.
"Okay Iolaus, it’s your call."
"Exactly."
With that, Iolaus lay himself down again, drawing the thin blanket over him. Herc frowned as he looked at his friend. Iolaus’ hunched form just screamed ‘Leave me alone’. Hercules stretched himself out next to his friend, covering himself with the rest of the woven cloth and sighed dejectedly. The soft chirp of the grasshoppers and the play of light from the flickering fire quickly soothed him to sleep.

The hall was filled with people. Every student from the academy was there. All his friends, people from the palace, Alcmene, everyone he knew and liked had turned up, talking and laughing and partying. He was merry, squeezing through the throngs of people, looking for someone. Looking for, looking for…for Iolaus! – Desperately searching for Iolaus – He smiled, Iolaus would love this party. He finally pushed through the crowds and stopped. The aula had grown dark around him, all sounds were muffled. He could still see the people, partying, but it was as if he was seeing them through a thick grey mist. They stood circled around one point, unaware of the darkness emanating in their midst. Then he realised what he was looking at. The point, the axis was Iolaus, standing all alone in the middle of the sombre circle. Iolaus didn’t even seem to notice the party around them. Hercules approached his friend and was appalled to read the intense pain on the kind face. He reached out, wanting, needing to shake Iolaus out of his agony but something stopped his hand. It was as if an icy barrier surrounded Iolaus, closing him of from the outside world, enclosing him in his grief. To all purposes, Iolaus was beyond his grasp.

Hercules’ eyes shot open, troubled. This had hardly been a nightmare, just a very unsettling dream because it seemed so laden with meaning and symbols. The half-god turned over to Iolaus and gazed at his friend who was now sleeping calmly, dreamlessly. For a long time, he looked at Iolaus’ beautiful, tranquil face, wishing he could crawl inside that stubborn head and see what was the matter.
He didn’t really know why Cheiron had given them a week off, but after that mess with Ares and the trial he was glad for it. Jason had advised them to hike to the Philiontian Lakes, knowing of their legendary beauty. This was their third day on the road and, except for the nightmares, things were good. The gods didn’t bother him and the weather was favourable but Iolaus had grown quieter each passing day. Hercules only hoped that, when they got to the Lakes, Iolaus would somehow find peace.

Iolaus was very withdrawn the next morning. They breakfasted on oatcakes in a silence that made Hercules’ skin crawl. It was still early when they broke camp and continued their trip. The air was crisp and chilly but it promised to be a beautiful day. They walked on briskly, eager to reach their destination.
From time to time, Hercules glanced at Iolaus' pale and set face and every time his heart was heavy with the knowledge Iolaus was in pain.

They arrived at the lakes late in the afternoon. The sun hung low, reflecting off the water with an orange brilliance. The sight was truly awesome. Hercules couldn't stop a mesmerised smile from creeping on his face; the coppery sky, the dark lake, the golden-edged clouds and the waving trees were magnificent.
"This must be what the Elysian Fields look like…"
Delighted to hear the soft voice, Hercules turned to the small man standing next to him.
"Yeah, isn't it great! I…"
The words died on his lips when he saw the look on Iolaus' face. A look so strange, so unsettling and so entirely unfamiliar to Iolaus' features. The sadness and pain were still there, heavier even than they had been for the last week; but now, added to them, was longing. Longing for something Hercules was too frightened to consider. Iolaus looked so intensely fragile and desolate, it tore at Hercules' heart. He wanted to reach out but something in Iolaus' posture, something hard and defensive, stopped him from doing so. Suddenly, the young hunter flinched out of his reverie and, aware of his friend's gaze, scraped his throat, flustered.
''I'm gonna look for some wood, okay Herc?"
The half-god nodded. Iolaus dropped his knapsack on the ground and walked towards the edge of the forest. Hercules threw another sad glance at the magnificent lakes before unpacking their blankets.

"Don't you think it's strange Cheiron gave us a week off?"
Hercules looked questioningly at Iolaus who was silently selecting dry branches and leaves for the fire. The young man stopped his activity for a moment and frowned.
"I don't know. Maybe he thought you needed a break after you die…erm, after Ares' trial."
Hercules looked up sharply when he heard Iolaus stumble over his words but his friend continued building the fire. Slowly, it continued to dawn on Hercules. He finally realised what was troubling Iolaus, it was so clear, so obvious, how hadn't he caught on before? Jason had told him they thought Ares had killed him. He also knew Iolaus had been planning to leave the academy because of it. Jason had hinted to their friend's pain but he hadn't caught on, like usual. In some weird way, it was endearing to see how much Iolaus cared for him but he couldn't allow this to continue cankering his friend's heart.
"Iolaus…"
"No Herc."
The words were definite and determined, brooking no argument. Iolaus threw some more shrivelled leaves on the pile and, using his flints, sparked the fire into life. Hercules grimaced, he had never seen that handsome face look more like chiselled marble then now. The hollow traces of sorrow were plainly engraved on the pale features. He wasn't really sure why he did it but, somehow, he knew it was the right thing to do. Iolaus looked so sad and lost and, to Hercules, it seemed the most natural move. He approached the young warrior and slid his arms around the smaller body. He felt Iolaus' arms encircle his waist, shyly returning the embrace. Hercules moved his hand up towards the long tangled hair and entwined his fingers with the blond locks, pressing the shivering body close to his. Suddenly, Iolaus tensed and struggled free from his friend's arms. Reluctantly, the half-god let go. Iolaus dropped himself on the grass and wrapped his arms around his knees, hugging them tightly to his chest. He rested his brow on his knees and sat huddled together next to the flickering fire. Hercules could see the tension restrained in the small body, the muscles straining to contain the pain. It was obvious Iolaus was losing the battle with himself, that he couldn't keep his hurt inside much longer. Hercules kneeled next to his friend and gently put his hand on the leather-clad shoulder. He could feel the shivers that racked the young body and sighed.
"Please Iolaus, you've gotta tell me what's wrong. I need to know. This is driving you nuts and I've gotta help you. You're my best friend and more…tell me…"
Iolaus eased out of his position and breathed a deep, almost sobbing breath.
"I abandoned you."
The blond hair hid Iolaus' face but Hercules didn't need to see it to know pain and shame were etched on it.
"How? How did you abandon me?"
"You needed me and I wasn't there for you. You died and I did nothing to help you."
Hercules grimaced at the biting guilt obvious in Iolaus' words.
"But I didn't die…"
"For all I knew, you were dead!" Iolaus lashed out.
"Still…there was nothing you could've done. Nothing! I mean , it's Ares, he's a god. Even if he hadn't knocked you out, you couldn't have fought him. He's too strong, Iolaus. I almost couldn't fight him off. He would've killed you and I won't allow you to get hurt because of me!"
Iolaus looked up at Hercules, his azure eyes brimming with tears but with a strong, resolute look on his face.
"I would die for you, Herc. I'd gladly give my life if it meant you were safe."
The calmly spoken words made Hercules shiver. They seemed ominous, echoing with a future truth he did not wish to consider.
"Don't say that."
"It's true"
"I don't want you to die for me…I don't want you to die!"
A slight edge of panic trembled in Hercules' voice. Iolaus jumped up and started pacing around, angrily.
"You don't understand! You don't know what it felt like to see that smashed boat and…Jason who couldn't find you in the water. And that's another thing, I couldn't even help him look! And it was so cold. But the realisation, you know, that you weren't there. And then we figured you died and Zeus took your body or something. And that was even more horrible. You know I've seen enough bad things in my life, I've been…seen hurt…but it never, ever hurt as much as that moment. That moment when Jason was in the water and he shouted he couldn't find you and I knew you were gone, I knew it…it felt as if someone killed me but I wasn't dead, but my soul was and …and...I don't even know why I'm telling you this, I must be nuts."
Iolaus shook his head, trying to deny the emotions coursing through him.
"No, no, you're not nuts."
Hercules moved closer to Iolaus and leaned his frame against his friend, trying to bring comfort through physical contact.
"You should tell me this. We're friends and I'm planning to be at your side for a long long time. We oughtn't have secrets for each other. I need to know what's wrong. By the gods, Iolaus, you've been screaming your lungs out every night. If you don't talk about it, it'll drive you nuts. I just…didn't realise this had been so hard on you."
Iolaus smiled slightly.
"I didn't tell you."
Hercules snorted angrily.
"You're my best friend, I've known you for years, you've never been able to hide anything from me. I should've noticed something was wrong. I should've known this would hurt you."
Iolaus laughed a short, bitter laugh and shook his head.
"Herc man, I love you but you're wrong if you think you know everything about me. But that's not the point. I'm your friend, your sparring-partner, your sidekick but when the going got tough, I was too weak to back you up!"
Hercules threw his arms up.
"Ares struck you with lightning! You and Jason were lucky to survive!"
"I abandoned you and you died."
The repetitiveness of Iolaus' affirmation was starting to trouble Hercules.
"No! You didn't abandon me! There was nothing in the world you could've done. Nothing! And I forbid you to get hurt because of me! I trust you, Iolaus. I trust you with my life. When we're fighting, I know you're there to back me up. I have faith in you, Iolaus, always."
Iolaus shook off Herc's hand and turned away angrily.
"I don't deserve that faith, Hercules. I failed you…and I can't live with that. I can't be your friend if I can't protect you. I ...I can't take being useless."
The immense pain and guilt in Iolaus' voice brought tears to the half-god's eyes. He hadn't known his best friend's pain and that was the worst part. He should've seen this was eating away at Iolaus, but he had been too preoccupied with his own worries to realise how much his best friend was hurting. He grabbed Iolaus and turned him around, his hands encircling the warrior's arms like manacles.
"I understand how you feel, Iolaus because I would feel the same way if it had been you. If I thought you had died and there was nothing I could've done to save you. I would loathe myself forever if you would get hurt; it's my worst nightmare. Losing you is even beyond a nightmare. I couldn't bear to live without you now, Iolaus. You've come to mean too much to me, you know that. Whatever happened, whatever you did or…what you think you didn't do, doesn't change one bit of how I feel about you. You didn't abandon me! I never even thought that! Ares knocked you out. I know you would never consciously leave me in a lurch. I trust you, I believe in you, I love you!"
Hercules wrapped his arms around his sobbing friend and pulled him close. He wasn't really surprised to feel his own face wet with tears. For a moment, one split second, he thought he could feel Iolaus' crushing pain. It was as if he touched a vast black void in which everything, hope, love, joy, …seemed to disintegrate. A suffocating vortex of pain and guilt so intense it took his breath away. Iolaus hung onto him and he clasped the blond hunter so tight, he was getting scared of bruising him. But he needed to feel Iolaus and he knew Iolaus craved the closeness. They embraced each other for a long time, both of them searching and finding comfort with the other. Iolaus felt fragile in his arms. This young man, whose heart was so well hidden yet so easily wounded. He wished he could take all of Iolaus' pain away but, knowing he couldn't, he'd do anything to make Iolaus forget. He wanted to absorb his friend's pain and make sure he would never be hurt again.
Hercules closed his eyes and delighted in the feel of Iolaus pressed against him, the smaller body fitting so perfectly in his arms. He loved the tickle of the long curls against his cheek, the arms encircling his waist. He loved Iolaus truly, madly, deeply. The realisation stunned him for a moment, but the heart had already decided while the mind was still trying to catch up. 'I love Iolaus' It hit him hard in the chest but it felt right. The feeling zinged through him, making him smile and the more he thought about it, the clearer it became. He loved Iolaus, always had, ever since they were kids and he knew Iolaus loved him too. Hercules' hand moved over to Iolaus' hair and he gently, lovingly caressed the soft curls. Iolaus' hold on him tightened and the half-god hid his face in the blond hair.
"I thought I'd lost you"
The words were half muffled by Herc's chest but he heard them clearly enough. His heart ached at the immense sorrow in Iolaus' voice. He somewhat loosened his grip on Iolaus and gently cupped the tear-stained face. Iolaus looked up at him and a wave of raw tenderness overwhelmed the half-god as if every nerve in his body ached. As if Iolaus' touch was a hot brand on his skin. But it was a sweet pain because Iolaus was as well the healer as the inflictor of the wound, like he was to Iolaus' hurt. He softly pressed his lips to his friend's brow and pulled back. The look the young men shared was heavy with unspoken emotion. When Hercules saw the tears brimming in his friend's eyes, he inclined his head and kissed them away. He licked away at the moist on his lips, tasting the salty tears. He held Iolaus tighter and their lips brushed together. He let his tongue slide against Iolaus' lower lip. The soft mouth opened under the gentle pressure, invitingly. For a moment, their kiss deepened…Then, Iolaus pulled back, gasping with surprise. He stared at Hercules with wide bewildered eyes, startled by his friend's unexpected but long wished-for move.

Hercules gradually woke up out of a gentle dream, awakened by the singing of the early morning birds greeting Aurora. It was still very early, the goddess had only just started banishing Nyx's and Morpheus' realm. He lazily stroked a stray lock out of his eye and carefully turned over. Next to him, closely pressed against him, Iolaus slept soundly. No nightmare had disturbed his sleep this night. The half-god smiled and tenderly let his fingers glide along his friend's jaw. He nestled closer to Iolaus and let his cheek rest against the hunter's brow while weaving his fingers through the long curls. He sighed delighted. Things were finally going right. Iolaus had found the peace he so desperately needed and they were in love. What could be better?
A slight frown settled in Hercules' brow when he recalled last night's events, when Iolaus had fled his arms.
The confused and doubting look on his friend's face made him grimace. Iolaus slightly flinched when the half-god lay his hand against his cheek.
"Why can't you accept that I love you?
The young warrior grimaced.
"How can you love me after what I did to you? I let you down, how can you even forgive me?"
Hercules exasperated sigh interrupted Iolaus. He grabbed the hunter by the shoulders and angrily shook him.
"There is nothing to forgive! You've done nothing wrong! Accept that, Iolaus, accept that and move on. Don't let this eat away at you, it's not worth it!"
Hercules again wrapped his arms around the slender body. Iolaus said nothing in protest, did not resist but rather nestled in the embrace as if weary. Hercules slightly rocked his distraught friend while whispering silly nothings in the young man's ear. After what seemed like ages, Iolaus looked up and their eyes met. Longing eyes they were, half veiled by tears like the bluest oceans seen through mists of rain. Iolaus gazed long at his friend as if scrutinising him. Hercules smiled briefly, intrigued.
"What?"
Then, Iolaus' eyes, his whole face changed; lit up by a radiance Hercules had never seen before, but it warmed his heart.
"I love you, Hercules."
The words were spoken seriously, an acknowledgement of feeling very sincere and so simple but, to Hercules, the words sounded sweeter then a Muses' song. Words had not been necessary anymore that night. They had looked at the stars and moon, at eachother and had finally fallen asleep in each other's arms. Both certain in the knowledge that no more nightmares would disturb their sleep.