JIM: Are you out of your mind?! You dragged me all the way out here to tell me I'm some sort of caveman?
BLAIR: Well, maybe I was a little out of line with that caveman-remark but...
JIM: Listen, you neo-hippie witch-doctor punk!

******************

BLAIR: I am NOT in the mood to have my skull ventilated by some pissed off magpie!

******************

BLAIR: Part of your job is to walk into a place and figure out what happened there. So is mine, but just that my places are usually a few thousand years vacant.

******************

BLAIR: Cadet? Hey wait a minute, man! I am NOT cutting my hair!

******************

THE SIEGE

BLAIR: Look...I may be a rookie in your little Dirty Harry-world here, but I'm telling you man when it comes to thesis speak...I'm a pro!

********************

BLAIR: Hey man, I would dress up in an evening gown like J. Edgar Hoover if I thought it would help. I want this partnership to...
JIM: Whoa, whoa! Stop right there, Chief!
BLAIR: Yeah I know, I know. Never refer to us as partners. I'm strictly the observer!

******************

JIM: I thought I smelled blood...
BLAIR: Man! You are GOOD! I sliced myself cutting a bagel this morning. Man, that is great!
JIM: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with sharp objects?

******************

BLAIR: I've always been fascinated by the concept of the thin blue line.
SIMON: The thin blue line?

******************

SIMON: Jim, when you first told me about this guy, I was expecting an academic, not some neo-hippie flower child with time on his hands now that the Dead have broken up.

******************

JIM: I haven't seen Daryl in years. How old is he now?
SIMON: An impossible fourteen!

******************

BLAIR: You're telling me my 'thin-blue-line’ wrap didn't push this thing right over?
JIM: I'm telling you, that if you'd listen to me I wouldn't have to shove the Captain more bull then even you could dish out!
BLAIR: Wait a minute, you didn't give him that cousin-story, did you?
JIM: Yeah, it was a last resort.
BLAIR: And he bought it?
JIM: Yeah, for now. From now on when I tell you to do something, you do it. When I tell you to say something, you say it the way I tell you to say it, Clear?
BLAIR: Yes...Clear. Hey wait a minute, time-out...
JIM: Problem?
BLAIR: Yeah, that 16-ounce café latte is banging on my bladder here.
JIM: It's over here...
BLAIR: I think you can trust me to handle this mission on my own, Jim.
JIM: Sure?
BLAIR: Yeah, thanks for the offer!

******************

JIM: Vera, is that 'White Shoulders' that you're wearing?
VERA: It's not too much, is it?
JIM: No, not at all. It's just whenever I smell 'White Shoulders' it reminds me of my grandmother.
VERA: Your grandmother? Don't you have some place to go, Detective?
JIM: Right....er....good luck.
VERA: Now Mr. Sandburg, the department requests all incoming personnel to submit to a drug test, I hope that's not a problem for you?
BLAIR: Oh come on! Do I look like that would be a problem? .....Don't answer that.

******************

JIM: So, where's my lunch?
CAROLYN: You don't have to be so damn smug about it!
JIM: I just knew your sister wouldn't go through with the wedding.
CAROLYN: Right now, on top of cancelling Kathleen's shower tomorrow, I have to buy you lunch?!
JIM: It wasn't my idea to bet on it.
CAROLYN: My afternoon is packed but if you can be ready in five minutes I know a great Tandoori place....
JIM: No, that's too spicy!
CAROLYN: I seem to recall from our married days that you love Tandoori!
JIM: I still do! But this afternoon I just feel like, em........
CAROLYN: We're NOT going to Wonderburger!!
JIM: My choice!

******************

BLAIR: God, please, I promise if you get me out of here that I'll stop lying.....I'll stop lying to Denise and Jill....and ...er...Anne! Oh, yeah, Anne too, right!

******************

TAGGART: Kincaid, you're INSANE!
KINCAID: Relative to what, Captain?

******************

SIMON: I've got the key.
JIM: Nah, it's been welded shut, it's still warm. Come on.
SIMON: It's not still warm!!

******************

BLAIR(holding on to the window): I don't believe this! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!!! OK, just picture yourself there.

******************

BLAIR: Hey man, you don't want to do that, believe me! I'm worth more to you as a live hostage then as a dead body!
KINCAID: What makes you think that you're sorry ass is worth anything to anybody, huh?

******************

BLAIR: Banks sent me in.
KINCAID: You're a cop?!
BLAIR: Yeah, Lieutenant Sandburg, Narcotics. I've been teamed with Ellison.

******************

KINCAID: Get down there and kill whoever's in my building!!!!

******************

SIMON: How the hell did you know he was back there?
JIM: Couldn't you smell him? Too much Skin Bracer.
...............
SIMON: What is it this time? English Leather?

******************

KINCAID: We will evacuate as planned. (pointing at Blair) The natural here is coming with me!

******************

BLAIR: No! You don't understand! I'm not really a cop! I was lying, I'm an anthropologist!!!
KINCAID: Yeah, and I'm the president!

******************

KINCAID (on Jim): How many lives does that guy have, anyway?

*******************

WATTERS (chopper-pilot): Kill me and we're all going down!
BLAIR: I don't think so! I flew a Apache in Desert Storm!

*******************

KINCAID: This isn't over! Not by a long shot!
JIM: It is for you!

*******************

JIM: It turns out I've got what you can only describe as hyperactive senses.
SIMON: What? You mean like a superman-thing?!

********************

BLAIR: This wasn't like a typical day for you, was it?

******************

THE KILLERS

(About 4000$ back-taxes from when Jim and Carolyn were married, discussion taking place just after Beverly Sanchez came along and said hi, leaving Jim smiling and Carolyn looking like she bit into a lemon... )
JIM: I guess the only fair thing to do would be to split.
CAROLYN: As far as I'm concerned, I'm not paying for your screw-ups anymore!
BLAIR: Oof!
JIM: What was all that about?
BLAIR: You know, for a guy with hyperactive senses, you can be pretty dense.
JIM: Meaning what?
BLAIR: Meaning that anyone can tell that there is enough heat between you and Ms Beverly Sanchez here, to incinerate a football-stadium!
JIM: Oh, that!
BLAIR: Yeah, "oh, that"!
JIM: Carolyn and I have been divorced for nearly two years.
BLAIR: It doesn't matter! Anthropologically speaking, a relationship never terminates, and homo-sapiens resist change.
JIM: Thank you for the science-lecture, Teach. What's the short version?
BLAIR: Short version? Carolyn is jealous, and you're dead meat.

********************

JIM: Don't say anything.
BLAIR: Say what? That you're an arrogant, self-destructive schmuck? I say it to you, I gotta say it to me too.

********************

BLAIR: Maybe it has something to do with your diet? Have you been eating anything weird lately?
JIM: Well, I have had these cravings.
BLAIR: Yeah?
JIM: Last night, I ordered pizza. Pepperoni and 38-Motoroil.
BLAIR: Oh, come on! The only way we're gonna figure this thing out is if we go at it scientifically!
JIM: Not now. Too busy.
BLAIR: With what?!
JIM: Nailing Juno.
BLAIR: Oh, man! Are we back to that again?
JIM: We never got off it. We just took a brief detour to the Sandburg Zone.

********************

SIMON: All right, look, Sandburg, this is a crime scene. I don't want you touching anything.
BLAIR: I know! I'm an anthropologist, I've been to excavations before!
SIMON: You know what? On second thought, stay out here!

********************

( Beverly approaching )
BLAIR: Well, knowing that the faithful companion's most important job is to know when to get lost...I'll see you later, man!

********************

THE DEBT

BLAIR: You see, I'm doing a paper on the short-term effects of concentrated television-violence on primates.
JIM: How many chimps do you know that watch TV?
BLAIR: This isn't a chimpanzee, it's a Barbary ape! And the behavioural pattern of a Barbary ape is, like, remarkably similar to a human being.
JIM: Maybe in your family tree.
BLAIR: "Maybe in your family..."
*LOUD SQUEAK*
JIM: What was that? Was that a mousetrap?
BLAIR: Oh, no, no, no, mice are like, small and cute, but these...these!
JIM: How can you live like this?
BLAIR: Where else am I going to get 10 000 square feet for 850 a month?

********************

( Watching a movie at Blair's place )
JIM: Hey, how 'bout a can of beer or something?
BLAIR: Yeah, sure, they're in the fridge.
JIM: I'll take one.( Expecting Blair to go and get it )
BLAIR: Yeah, great. They're in the fridge.

********************

( The conversation that got Blair into Jim's loft )
BLAIR: This is just the worst, where am I gonna stay?
JIM: I don't know, hotel, hostel, something?
BLAIR: That's fine for me, but what about Larry?
JIM: Put him in a kennel? We'll figure it out.
BLAIR: I can't do that to him! I mean, my project's due next Friday!...Unless...
JIM: No, no, no. No. No, forget it! Just forget it!
BLAIR: Come on, Jim! Jim, please, please, please! My back is against the wall here, man! I've got nowhere else to go!
JIM: I'm just not a big fan of animals in cages.
BLAIR: Larry? Larry, he's no problem, man, no trouble at all! I mean, he's been around people his whole life. Heck, he's more human than most of my friends!
JIM: And that's supposed to reassure me?
BLAIR: Jim, one week, and I promise, I *promise* we'll be out of your hair. Come on! One week, man.
JIM: All right. Look...one week! You, or the gorilla act up, and you're out! All right?
BLAIR: He's no gorilla! Look, you already hurt his feelings!
JIM: You know, I'm already beginning to regret this.

********************

TAGGART: So, how are your...roommates getting along?
JIM: Don't ask. He makes all these weird noises, he eats stuff I can't even look at, I mean, he smells funny...all he ever does is watch TV all day...It's driving me crazy! The monkey's OK, though.

********************

JIM: What the hell happened here?!
BLAIR: Larry and I, we were watching 'The Wild Bunch', right, and he just... I opened the cage to give him some popcorn, and he just freaked out, he, like, tried to bite me, and he took off, and... I thought I had him in the closet upstairs, but he gave me the slip.
JIM: He escaped?
BLAIR: Yeah.
JIM: Oh, man, that's great.
BLAIR: What are you doing?
JIM: I'm calling Animal Control.
BLAIR: Oh, Jim, you can't do that!
JIM: He could be dangerous, if he tried to bite you.
BLAIR: No, he's not! He's not, he's just a little...he's high strung. I mean, it's all the television-violence he's been watching, he just must have snapped! If you turn him over to Animal Control I'm not gonna have enough time!
JIM: Well, you should have thought of that sooner. You'd better go find him, and first warn the neighbours! Come on, out! (speaking in phone) Yeah, I'd like to report a lost Barbary ape. No, he's not a gorilla, he's an ape...Permit? ( Jim looks at Blair, who disappears out of the door)

********************

( Blair has made Jim breakfast )
JIM: If you think this little courtship-ritual is gonna change my mind about throwing your butt out of here...
BLAIR: No, no, no, no. If Larry can survive out there without a roof over his head, I'm sure that I can too

********************

JIM: They found Larry.
BLAIR: Where?!
JIM: That mini-Kong of yours busted back into my apartment, and he trashed it. Now, Animal Control has the place surrounded, right? So I'm gonna give you half an hour to bag him, and if he doesn't come out with his hands up, well then I call in a SWAT-sniper.
BLAIR: Did they say what he was doing?
JIM: He was watching TV.
BLAIR: You're kidding me!... What program?

********************

CYPHER

JIM: So much for the black-out...

*******************

SIMON: Look, I know the kid helps you with this Sentinel-thing but he's not one of us. Maybe it's time you think about cutting him loose.
JIM: No sir. I have to disagree with you on that call. Blair understands what I'm going through.
SIMON: You really trust this kid?
JIM: Yes sir, I do

*******************

SIMON: What you and I know about serial-killers wouldn't fill a coffee-cup.

*******************

BLAIR: You're going to Club Doom?
JIM: You got a problem with that?
BLAIR: The Doom is an Underground club and you're like clearly labelled 'COP'!
...........
Jim, I can blend in, you can't !

*******************

BLAIR (storms into Simon's office): OK! I've got this whole thing figured out..........
SIMON: Don't you knock?!!!!
BLAIR: Oh........Right.........(knocks on closed door) Sorry Simon.........

*******************

LASH (as Bates to Blair): I think you're right on the money about this.
SIMON: WHAT?!

*******************

LASH: I'd like you to meet my friends. I've only got four of them now. But there'll be more. Friends are like really easy to make, dude. There's Adam Walker, he was real easy, he didn't struggle at all. But I guess it's 'cause he was really stoned. And there's Billy Bright! Bright...he was not. But I ...overlooked that because man...'cause he had talent. Then there was Sweet Susan. She had REALLY good taste in cars but...that hair, those clothes? I mean what was that girl thinking? You know...I think my finest hour was getting up into your partners face! But now.....it's time for Hairy Blairy!

********************

LASH: This is gonna really be fun. You have a wicked sense of humour. You know, kinda hip, with a touch of the nerd. All in all man...quite a piece of work.

********************

BLAIR: You think you can be me? You can't be me! Only I think what I think, feel what I feel!

********************

BLAIR: You know, the Chinese believe that when you save a man's life, you become his 'blessed protector' and it's your duty to do that for the rest of your life.

********************

BLAIR: Speaking of commitment...I've been thinking about getting a Cascade PD insignia tattooed right on my chest.
JIM: Above the nipple ring?
BLAIR: How'd you know about that?
JIM: Let me tell you something. You get a tattoo and your blessed protector's gonna kick your ass down seven flights to the lobby.

********************

NIGHT TRAIN

JIM: Would you mind if I told Sandburg what's going down? Get him of my back a little bit.
SIMON: That bad, huh?
JIM: Worse
SIMON: I'm sorry, you can't tell him anything 'till you get on board that train
JIM: Well, thanks very much for your support.

********************

BLAIR: I've got to say it, 'cause I'm really beginning to take this personally. It's because I'm not a real cop, right, I'm not part of your fraternal brotherhood.
JIM: O.K., you're right. That's it.
BLAIR: Oh, man.
JIM: We're a cult. Every cop in the state of Washington is required to join this cult. Actually, we have our secret headquarters under the Masonic Temple on Height Street.
BLAIR: Get out!
JIM: Hey, am I lying? Of course you realize, that now we've divulged our secret...we'll be obliged...to kill you.

********************

BLAIR: Hey wait a minute. I'm not getting myself mixed up with anything poisonous or radioactive, am I? I mean that's it right? The plane crashes, the stuff becomes airborne, gets in the water supply, people start getting sick, loosing fingers, having mutant babies...I'm right! Jim I'm an anthropologist not...a biologist. This is definitely not my area!

********************

BLAIR: I'd say this guy has ruined his karma for the next sixty lifetimes.

********************

WILSON: You don't want to know
JIM: You're right! I don't.

********************

BLAIR: Hey, it's a party!

********************

BLAIR: Neither rain, nor sleep, nor dark of night will stay these guys from doing their appointed grounds
JIM: Isn't that the post office-motto?
ISABEL KANE: Well, I gotta say you're a lot nicer then those other two guys
BLAIR: We aim to please.

********************

JIM: I have a strange feeling.
BLAIR: Maybe you're running a fever.

********************

BLAIR (about Jim screwed up senses): Like I have a clue!

********************

BLAIR: Don't you think we should have a secret password or something?
JIM: Why don't you say: 'who is it?' and I'll say: 'Ellison'. And then you open the door.

********************

JIM (to Isabelle): I arrest the bad guys, and you do everything you can to get them off !

********************

ISABEL KANE: I was getting claustrophobic in there and your partner keeps staring at my legs.
JIM: I'm sure it's just a nervous tick.

********************

BLAIR: Maybe we should switch to tic-tac-toe.

********************

BLAIR: Sounds like menopause.

********************

Dr: I see a lawsuit

********************

ISABEL KANE: You know, together...You guys have everything that I've been searching for in a man. If I could only find THAT man.

********************

ROGUE

BLAIR: How many fingers am I holding up?
JIM: None, and if you don't move this along, I'm gonna have to show you one of my fingers

********************

JIM: Salt...Sugar...Vanilla extract...Damn kid's making a cake.

********************

JIM: Give a speech?
BLAIR: YEAH!
JIM: I'd rather have root canal.

********************

LEE BRACKETT: Aren't you curious to know why I stole it?
JIM: .....
BLAIR: Well I am if he isn't!

********************

BLAIR: Take a deep breath.
JIM: Don't patronize me.

********************

BLAIR: Oh, Jim, come on! You don't know where that's been!

********************

LEE BRACKETT: You do as you're told and you won't have thousands of deaths on your conscience.
JIM: Our conscience?
LEE BRACKETT: Well...certainly not mine.

********************

LEE BRACKETT: OK, but you touch me one more time and this guy never needs a haircut again.

********************

CAROLYN: I guess that old Ellison-charm is slipping, huh.
JIM: You know, slipping is one thing, but eh...that's a hundred story drop.

********************

LOVE AND GUNS

JIM: Let's get some pizza.
BLAIR: Hire death? No way man.
JIM: All right. How about Mexican?
BLAIR: Why don't you just shoot the lard straight into your veins? Come on.
JIM: Hey Sandburg, have you noticed the sudden drop off in the amount of people that'll eat with you?

********************

JIM: Get me some backup and get your butt off the street.
BLAIR: It may not be in that order.

********************

BLAIR: My car...You think my insurance agent's gonna call this an act of God?

********************

JIM: Shock is your body's way of protecting itself.
BLAIR: Shock? I am way beyond shock man, I'm like energized.
JIM: Say what?

********************

BRENNAN: I was just trying to motivate him.
JIM: Well you motivated him right into a body bag.

********************

ATTRACTION

JIM: Let's go, chief
ROBBED GUY: What's he? Some kind of Indian?

********************

BLAIR TO JIM: Walk back over to the safe, and try to walk in a straight line
ROBBED GUY: Is he a cop or a carpet installer?

********************

JIM: She didn't even tell me her last name.
BLAIR: Did you ask?
JIM: Nah...So what now coach? Twenty laps around the field?
BLAIR: Oh man...you...you are hopeless!
JIM: What is this?
BLAIR: Trust me.
JIM: You know, coming from you, those are the two scariest words in the English language.

********************

SIMON: What the hell is with him tonight?
BLAIR: You see that girl over there?
SIMON: The one he's going after like he just got outta jail.
BLAIR: It's the strangest thing, Simon, he just met her the other night and he's gotten totally infatuated with her.
SIMON: Now he's acting like some teenager?
BLAIR: No, it's different then that. It's like he can't even reason. He's working on pure instincts.
SIMON: Like a dog!
BLAIR: Yeah, sure, if you want to be crude about it, yeah!
SIMON: Works for me!

********************

JIM: I'm sorry I ran out on you last night, I...er...I guess I got a little preoccupied
BLAIR: Preoccupied...I think I'd use a different word.

********************

JIM: Deep down inside I knew there was something that wasn't right...But I didn't want to accept it.
BLAIR: Well of course you didn't. I mean, hey man, I still want to believe in Santa Claus...What's so different about this?

********************

SIMON: It's been a while since I was that turned around by a woman.
BLAIR: Oh man, it happens to me at least three or four times a week. 'Course most of these girls don't even know that I'm alive.
JIM: That's the difference between pheromones and hormones.

********************

VOW OF SILENCE

JIM: OK Chief, This whole monk thing they do, it's an act, right?

********************

JIM: Do you have a satellite dish?
BROTHER CHRISTOPHER: No
JIM: Television?
BROTHER CHRISTOPHER: I'm afraid not.
JIM: Indoor plumbing?
( Silence as the monks turn away embarrassed)
BROTHER JEREMY: Scared you, didn't we?

********************

BLAIR: Jim, did you just make a date in a monastery?

********************

BLAIR: Vow of silence....he's already gettin' into it.

********************

BLAIR: Maybe he's a sentinel monk.

********************

JIM: Thank you, Lord...for all that you do...for the great chilli...Amen!

********************

BLAIR: You'd better he careful or people might think you're having a good time, man

********************

JIM: All right, he's on your team
BLAIR: What?!

********************

JIM: Let's split up.
BLAIR: WHAT!?

********************

BLAIR: Vow of silence...me? It's not possible.

********************

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