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Why, you ask? Like you need a reason?? Well...he's a doll, ain't he?
Funny Quotes
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the quotes contained in this site, no copyright infringment intended at all. I started this two years ago for my personal amusement and never took the trouble to write down the names of the movies and shows I heard this in. Just call me stupid. Please, please, please don't sue me, all I own is an overweight lazy cat.
This site contains swearing and frequent use of various four-letter words, just thought I'd tell ya. Anyway, enjoy...
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- I don't care about anyone's opinion.
- You're right, the only voice that matters is the one inside your head.
- Hah! Which one?
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- Did anyone ever tell you you drool when you're happy?
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- What if it doesn't work?
- Then, you'd better get religious real quickly.
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- It's true what they say, the good die young. I'll probably live to be 150.
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- You're out of your mind!
- What's your point?
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- How can you eat? They're bleeding in that ring up there!
- Don't worry, the blood never splatters this far.
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- Don't you trust me?
- Trust you? If I were on fire, I wouldn't even let you throw water on me.
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- He's trouble; drunken brawls, petty thefts, murder.
- At least he knows how to have a good time.
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- You're weird.
- You're just saying that to be nice.
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- All my friends say I'm a lunatic. It's not true, I don't have any friends.
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- Here lies Tom, beloved mutant.
- We'll begin radiotherapy.
- Oh great! Here lies Tom, beloved radioactive mutant.
I think this was in a Star Trek, Voyager episode.
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- Did someone hit you?
- No, my lip is allergic to balled fists.
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- Are you going to shoot me?
- Why waste a good bullet?
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- I'll get us out of this!
- Your leadership skills wouldn't get you out of a T-shirt.
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- Do they have a name for what's wrong with you?
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- Why did you kill him?
- He was a lousy tipper.
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- Get a life!
- I have a life, it's just a really dull one.
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- I want my life back!
- What life?
- Good point, keep it.
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- Should I be afraid? Quivering with fear? Tell me the appropriate reaction and I'll work on it.
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- I'm gonna catch you and skin you alive!
- Oooh, kinky.
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- Man, you're all heart, aren't you.
- Hey, if I want a warm feeling, I'll take a bath.
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- I think I may have made a mistake.
- The word 'duh' springs to mind.
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- I don't like disappointments and you know what disappoints me the most?
- Your sex-life?
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- Guess what I'm doing!
- Acid?
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- Dude you need help!
- Congratulations man, tell a knife wielding maniac who's about to beat you to a bloody pulp that he needs about a hundred years of therapy in some padded room, see if that calms him down.
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- You don't have to do this, you know.
- Yes I do. My therapist said if I don't give this a shot, he'll take away my Prozac.
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- You can't murder him!
- The term murder doesn't apply to insects.
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- Hey man, keep your freak on a leash!
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- I feel all funny, I think I'm in love! No wait...it's a stroke.
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- You're so sick! If I weren't going to kill you, I'd advise you to get some severe psychological help!
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- Goodmorning!!
- Oh my God, you're a morning person.
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- I've coughed up scarier thing than that.
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- Think man think! What would Joe do?...Probably shoot everybody and smoke some cigarettes.
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- Why would you want to hire a maniac?
- Because sane people don't build weapons like these.
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- You, sir, are an insult to insanity.
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- The last man who ignored me is still looking for his fingers.
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- Man, you couldn't hit sand if you fell off a camel.
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- Great shirt. Is it psychedelic or have you thrown up on it?
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- Oh dude, I gotta sit down.
- You are sitting down.
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- You really think I'm gonna trust you? I'm crazy, not dumb.
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- Why don't we go to your place?
- Why? I don't even wanna go there.
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- I never ran from anything in my life...except cops and really big guns.
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- Now why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah, 'cause it's suicide!
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- So, what do you think?
- I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.
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- I'm too big to hit.
- Not with a car.
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- You broke the guy's neck!
- Only a little.
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- You're insane.
- Well, it is one of my more attractive characteristics.
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- I hate you!
- Sure you do.
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- Wow, I've never seen a dead guy before....Are they supposed to move?
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- God! I'm so mentally challenged!
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- Don't you think blowing the guy's head off with a hand grenade is a bit much?
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- You think he's telling the truth?
- I don't know, but it's not raining and he's standing in a puddle.
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- Let them hate me as long as they fear me.
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- The layers of my insanity are beginning to scare even me.
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- I once thought I had Mono for a whole year, turns out I was just really bored.
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- Oh my God!
- Yes?
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- He taught me everything, without him I'd be normal.
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- He's dead, yes. But he was a psychopathic murderer and on top of that, he was the most boring man I ever met.
'The Wimbledon Poisoner', a must-read and must-see.
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- Wow, you need help!
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- You call that a joke? My underwear is made of better material.
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- Why are you smiling?
- I'm happy!
- Have you been putting gin on the cornflakes again?
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- There's only two things you need to get by on this planet: love and a .45
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- My name is Zeus.
- Zeus?
- Yeah Zeus, as in father of Apollo, Mount Olympus! Don't fuck with me or I'll shove a lightning bolt up your ass! Zeus, you got a problem with that?!
Die Hard 3
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- You shouldn't die for someone. Kill yeah, but die, no.
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- There are a lot of scary things out there and I'm one of them.
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- Did you see the size of that thing?
- I bet that's what the bug was thinking too.
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- I like her, she said I was normal.
- There goes her credibility.
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- We have two minutes before the bomb's gonna explode. Think of something!
- There are three realistic alternatives. One: sit here and get blown up. Two: stand here and get blown up. Three: jump up and down, shouting at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.
Red Dwarf
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- We're not terrorists, we're serial killers.
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- You will never understand what was between us!
- God, I hope so.
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- We're out of tune.
- We're amateurs, they don't expect us to sound like professionals.
- No, they don't expect us to sound like dying cattle.
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- No dead students here...this week.
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- I think I speak for everyone here if I say 'huh?'
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- She's gone mad.
- Gee, you think?
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- You faggot!
- Faggot? I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman you'll ever get!
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- I understand you had a bad day.
- So did the passengers of the Hindenburg.
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- Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
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- Stop acting like a bitch!
- It's not an act.
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- He's a student, it's the weekend. He's probably shacked up in some hotel with a girl...or a boy...or some farm animals.
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- If you need therapy, I need to be committed.
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- You just ruined a perfectly good hangover.
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- I've got a gun.
- They've got ten.
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- Drive slower! Are you aiming for these people?
- No! Maybe the mime.
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- Too bad we can only kill him once.
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- It's not how many people you shoot, it's who you shoot.
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- You must be the happiest couple in the world, you freaks.
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- Could craziness be a virus? I mean, some lunatic sneezes and ten more people go nuts?
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- Do you want me to get you some coffee?
- No thanks, I might get sober.
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- Cheer him up?! I haven't been cheerful since 1975 and that was only because I had typhoid fever.
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- I got pictures of you.
- I'm not scared, that could be anyone's ass.
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- Drowning is nice, you see your whole life flashing before your eyes.
- No.
- You're right, who would want a rerun of your boring life?
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- You know, you're as welcome here as the black plague.
- Yes, but twice as effective.
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- Well that was fun as far as near-death experiences go.
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- Who are you?
- Someone who's in big trouble.
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- God dammit Kurt, how many times do I have to tell you?! Throw the grenade, not the pin!
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- What are you looking at?
- The drool dripping from the corners of your mouth.
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- What are you doing?
- I'm trying to kill you.
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- Hey look, I know that guy. I was rude to him.
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- Cool, I broke his brain.
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- I've killed slime like you for scratching their noses.
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- I didn't know it was Valentine’s Day.
- I didn't even know it was February.
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- Who are you, man?
- The last person in the world you want to fuck with.
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- What a jerk! If he weren't already dead, I'd kill him.
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- I already explained it, it's simplicity itself.
- Then you fix it, you're simple!
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- Come on brain don't let me down now, I just started liking you.
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- Everyone is a bit screwed up. Some more than a bit.
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- I've never been so insulted in my life!
- You're still young.
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- What's he doing?
- His Rainman-impression, don't worry.
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- Are you always a pain in the ass?
- No, I'm usually a bitching pain in the ass.
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- How is he?
- Brain damaged, but hey...he's still breathing.
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- We killed him!
- Nah we didn't. People drop dead for no reason on a regular basis.
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